01 Realistic Resolutions – Stop Shoulding on Yourself

The problem with setting resolutions is that we disappoint ourselves and others when we don’t follow through on them. Listen as RESET Your Buttons® author Mary Elizabeth Murphy and her special guest Gary Erdakos explore the concept of Realistic Resolutions. Gary describes how he sets and sustains his resolutions, the difference between should and should, when a rut is a good thing and why we always have choice.


Show Notes:

• The European Journal of Social Psychology says it takes a minimum of 66 days to change a habit. Gary explains how his process can take up to 6 months. It’s about planning and automation and how planning and automation helps him to sustain the change.

• Gary and Mary Elizabeth discuss the differences between needs, wants and shoulds. Mary Elizabeth is concerned about Gary’s use of the word should – he shares his definition or intention behind what he means by the word should. When is should appropriate. In the book RESET Your Buttons we discuss the Personal Responsibility Model courtesy of Keith Ayers and the Integro Institute in Australia. The PR model points us to choice vs. should or have to. The secret is thinking through to the consequences or outcomes

• Ultimately, can we create the ruts by automating the shoulds to accomplish our desired outcome, which then ultimately is our choice after all?

Significant quotes:

“What we found was that it takes 66 days on average for people in our study to acquire a habit,” says Professor Jane Wardle, of University College London, who carried out the study with Dr. Phillippa Lally.

“Stop should-ing on yourself” Unknown Source

“The things you should do, but you don’t have to do and you don’t necessarily want to do, but they’re beneficial” Gary Erdakos

“It’s taking longer than we thought” Cecil Adams

“We have discovered (from the research study discussed on Wednesday) that a major indicator of a couple’s overall happiness is what we’ve come to call their Emotional Bank Account.”

Links Mentioned:








  1. Cate Matijevich on January 18, 2018 at 3:16 am

    What a terrific pilot podcast! I really enjoyed the chemistry that Mary and Gary had on air. The episode was informative, funny and left me with a very comfortable feeling. One thing that I took from it was start small.
    -Figure out what you want to adapt.
    -Figure out what it will take to adapt it and how it can fit in your schedule.
    -Figure out the benefits and the sacrifices.
    -Then start.
    I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t feel anxious. The pilot left me feeling great and I can’t wait for the next one.

    • Mary Elizabeth Murphy on January 21, 2018 at 4:51 pm

      Thank you Cate for your kind and helpful comments. We are so glad that you found it comfortable, informative and fun. I truly appreciate how you broke out what you took from it. I can’t wait to hear more about what one small thing you are going to start.

      Looking forward to you listening again. Part 2 is in editing now.

  2. Nyki Hardy on January 20, 2018 at 2:19 pm

    Authentic conversation. Thank you for sharing.

    • Mary Elizabeth Murphy on January 21, 2018 at 4:57 pm

      Thank you Nyki. We felt a bit vulnerable to share our conversation with the world. And hosting authentic conversations in a way that will prove helpful is exactly the goal of the podcast. Please continue to listen and share your feedback.